Life as I know it.

Here we go again...

2011-06-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

Three years after losing contact with an old flame, once again, he has reappeared in my life. Luckily, due to the distance, the contact is only ever online. This time it was by way of a request to be a "Friend" on Facebook. I ummed and ahhed about what to do and, rather too quickly in hindsight, I accepted. I debated restricting his view however when it came down to it I couldn't be bothered and was partly happy to have him see my comments and photos so left full access to my profile. As much as I find him a little strange in his thinking I must admit there is an attraction there. Not sure why now though as last time I saw him he no longer had the slim trim body that he once had (mind you who does?) that I found so sexy the attaction is there and I can't explain it. The chat sessions are rare however I enjoy talking to him. After all these years, even without contact for almost all of that time, he gets me, he makes me feel special. I don't like that I hope that he is online when I sign in or the disappointment I feel when he isn't. Part of me wants to defriend him and forget about him however the bigger part of me likes the idea that he is watching me, from afar. Wonder how long it will be before he disappears from my view and if, a few years from now, he shows up again, if I'll have the guts to tell him to leave me alone. Guess time will tell.

Money..or lack thereof.

2009-08-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Well it is really time to take some action as once again money is tight. Once again I am being had a go at because I restrict his access to it. And once again I am the only one bringing any money into the house. So too right I'm going to restrict it. He cannot be trusted. I leave money around, he buys beer. Yesterday is a prime example. I gave him $20 to go get smokes and forgot to ask for the change back. So what does he do? He keeps hold of it and when Jarrett and I go out he goes and gets beer. Then he wonders why I don't give him access. Had he gone to work and put his time sheet in on Monday and had he gone to work on Friday he would have picked up his pay cheque. Now he won't have it for another 2 weeks and in the mean time what am I supposed to do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, if I don't buy smokes he is miserable, but I don't have money to be buying him smokes, see what I mean. Well I think the fact that we are on our last few hundred dollars is probably going to make up my mind for me. No smokes and me and the little one are going to have to grin and bear him being horrible.

So what else can I do to save some money? Luckily the little one is no longer in daycare so that is about $400 a month that I won't have to find. Next I think has to be the cable. My dad was right to call it the idiot box. No cable, no telly, no time to sit around and do nothing, no reason to hide in our bedroom, not mine, his, and live in the make believe world of TV. Not sure what comes next, maybe the home phone. I've got a cell from work and we have one for home. Trouble is the phone is in his name and he would have to get it cut off. Then, I'm guessing here, he would probably get the internet cut off as he knows how much I need it (for work and as an escape from my life!) Got a back up plan there that is probably cheaper than the set up we have now anyways so not too worried about that.

I will admit that I have been spending money on entertainment. I am on holiday for 2 weeks and I need to get out and take my little man to do fun things so spending money is inevitable. I am sure I will hear about it at some point however but I really don't care. I am the one earning it after all.

Well that was a bit of a rant really. Have to turn the computer off now and go shopping. He had offered however not going to give him access to anymore money so I have to go myself.

Thanks for listening.

Where to start?

2009-08-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted to get on here yesterday however there were so many things that I've been thinking about and I had no idea where to begin, This is so typical of my life in general, too many things to do and unable to figure out what to do first. So what do I do? Nothing. I just don't to anything which has lead to the chaos that is now my life.

So right now I'm still not sure where I want to start and as I have all those previously mentioned things to I'm going to sign off this computer and stop watching the telly and actually do something.

Be back soon.

Virgin Blogger

2009-08-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

I've never done this before and who knows if I'll keep it up or for how long. I was never one for keeping a diary, did try as a teenager however never kept it up. The reason I decided to write one was that my younger brother does and he says that writing it makes him feel better. Well I need a few things to help me feel better so here I am. I understand that this isn't a magic wand that will make all my problems go away however lets see if putting my thoughts down on paper, so to speak, helps put things in perspective for me.

Why do I not feel as good as I should? Well I am my own worst enemy. I am in this situation of my own doing. I really should have gotten out years ago. My mum is right, in the last 15 years nothing has changed for me. The things that were happening then are still happening now, in fact they have gotten worse. When it was just him and me that was one thing but with the addition of a child all of it really isn't acceptable, especially when that child is now almost 11 and very aware of the things that are happening around him.

So I need to make a list of all the things that I need to do to make my life right and in turn make my little man's life right. The husband, I'm afraid is beyond anything I can do for him so he is on his own.

Anyway I am on 2 weeks holiday at the moment and the plan for today is the Science Centre so time to get some lunch and then off we go.